i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
