Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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