Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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