Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
