I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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