I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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