the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
