it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
