Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
