GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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