yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
