im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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