Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
