On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
