fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
