Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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