I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
