I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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