3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
