So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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