I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
