I wish I only lived at night.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
