Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
