I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
