Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
