i was born a porn star she said
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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