The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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