Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
