Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
