I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
