We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
