When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize
