no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
