never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Randomize
