I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
