I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
