I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
