so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
