I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
