Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We need a shit load of segways right now
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
