Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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