New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
