dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
