Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We just shotgunned beers for America
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
