My friends, they love my intelligence
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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