well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
