I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
did i walk over a car last night?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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