Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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