Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
