You smell like stripper and shame
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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